After the Storm

This is taking a lot out of me to write this, but it’s a chance for me to feel vulernable. I know that this time of year is supposed to bring you happiness and joy, but that’s just not been the case this year. I’ve just been thinking a lot about things lately. I was recently asked out by a friend this week, but I reluctantly turned down the offer. A few close friends were puzzled by my decision. After the few bullshit excuses I gave them about not having enough time for friends, why should I try and squeeze in a guy. I’m happy being single. Not being okay with my own answer, I started to evaluate my own heart and the real reasons why it’s so hard for me to be willing to open up.

I’ve never had a positive role model of love in my life. I feel I’ve been destined to feel jaded and cold. The few men I’ve felt comfortable enough to open up to have completely broken me down. Broken me in every way possible mentally and physically. I don’t want to let my walls down and be ambushed by pain. I’m content in being by myself. I know I can trust myself. I’ve learned to pick myself up everytime, and I will do the same when it happens again.

I don’t know if love is real. I think there is a reason we’re born alone and die alone. I don’t want a cynical heart, it’s every little girls dream to meet her prince charming to sweep her off her feet and live happily ever after. I don’t want to live in a fairy tale either.

“And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.”

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~ by Lauraige on 12/02/2011.

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